Who’s Your Main Man?

No, it’s not little wizard Messi, it’s not even hat-trick hero Higuan, it’s the wee tiger tank Tevez. I love Tevez not simply because he kept West Ham in the Premiership, while at the same time almost bankrupting them; not simply because he massively fucked off Man U by helping them win the Premiership then flounced off to Man City; no, I love Tevez because he has the jawbone of a bull chimp and the attitude of Mike Tyson. In the same way that Tyson in his prime would just flip his switch and walk from one corner of the ring to the other while simultaneously giving his opponent the face pummelling they so obviously richly deserved, so Tevez simply rampages through opponents cleverly using his body strength to maximum effect. You sense that he is one of the few players in the Tournament who will always threaten to be a game changer.

The Argies Are Like Deputy Commissioner Rawls (Not Bunk Moreland)

For when it came time to fuck the lovely Bunk Moreland-like South Korea they were not gentle, they put the boot in, especially after the plucky Bunk Moreland’s delivered a stone banker murder clearance to make the score 2 – 1. No, nasty Rawls threatened to put the Bunk on the boat patrol with naughty boy Jimmy “What The Fuck Did I Do” McNulty.

You’ve Got To Make The Breakaways Count (pt 1)

2 – 1 down, the South Koreans have the best break of the game, a fantastic flowing move down the right side of the pitch, giving Yeom Ki-Hun the perfect opportunity to level the game. He missed and the Rawls juggernaut just kept a-rollin’. Goals change games and at this level you’ve got to score them. Still, hopefully the plucky South Koreans have done enough to get through this Group as you’ve got to bank them to stuff the Nigerians, while the Argies should roundly fuck the Greeks.

18 Down 46 To Go

Beware of Greeks Being Shit

By far the worst team on view so far (and with everyone in Group A in the mix that’s saying something), the Greeks have elevated themselves to a unique position in World Football. Coming into this match they had never won a World Cup game, nor had they ever scored a World Cup goal and on this level of performance, nothing was set to change (and you know what nothing did). They are indisputably a bad day Bolton in disguise, playing a game that involves extensive use of the in-the-back barge at every opportunity, along with petulant whining and ref-baiting. Once they were a goal down they never looked like getting back into the game. But when you consider that their main striker, Samaras, finds it hard to get a game, let alone make an impact in the Scottish league, it’s unsurprising that their main talent is bare knuckled defending. They are the MuckDonalds Shit Sandwich of this World Cup buffet. I can’t wait for Argentina to give them the rapacious spanking they so utterly deserve.

The South Koreans Are Kind Like Bunk Moreland

Yes, like Bunk Moreland from The Wire, the South Koreans were gentle when it came time to fuck the Greeks for the first time. They never ran wild, never really tried to force the game and Park Ji-Sung’s solo goal aside, never went out to blatantly humiliate a side that was never really in this game. Admittedly they never really got out of second gear and once they had gone 2 up they really didn’t look too enthusiastic to bust a gut to make it 3. Their match against Nigeria will determine who goes through alongside Argentina.

That Pitch Was Wemberley Class

Cut ups, divots, browning patches. The pitch looked like a badly laid Subbuteo baize that’s been stepped on by those new fangled nail shoes. I don’t fancy being one of the teams playing the fifth game there. It will be a dump by then. Oh hold on, that will be Solvenia vs Engerland. Still at least the boys will feel at home.

Can We Have A Good Game Please

Because so far nothing has really lived up to Premiership quality, let alone Champions League quality.

3 Down 61 To Go

Once Stringer Bell retired from drug dealing, he found welcome employment in the London police force

As the mad old waiter said in Twin Peaks, “It is happening again.”

Characters are bleeding from one series into another. Only this time it’s not the local bleed of Baltimorians from The Wire suddenly finding themselves a few miles down the road in balmy (or possibly barmy) Washington DC and The West Wing. This time it’s altogether closer to home as characters from Spooks, many of whom have been severely mutilated or, worse, simply written out, descend on the killing grounds of Luther.

I’m less worried by the reappearance of Stinger Bell pretending to be a gor-blimey proper London rozzer. After all String needed some sort of realistic exit plan after being roundly killed at the end of The Wire Season 3. You don’t come back to Baltimore after a shotgunning from Omar, especially not when it’s fatal. A quick change of ID and a switch to the other side of the legal tracks seems like the way for String to try to reinvent himself. No, I’m really worried about the reappearance of the arsey City trader from Spooks as blood-drinking, victim freezing mental mass murderer. Or the realisation that Ruth has obviously been cheating on Harry Pearce and far from ‘being abroad’ between Series has been living with a mass-murdering pretend cabbie and displaying none of the wry insight she really possesses.

Luther is one of those programmes that acts as a nexus, sucking in characters from other series and spitting them out as rearranged pseudo-people. It’s as if they’re not really who they are and are simply replaying words funnelled into their heads from strange schizophrenic broadcasting centres. They have double (sometimes treble) lives and it’s getting more and more confusing. Who knows when this madness will stop.