Are You Arsenal In Disguise?

Plenty of defences were lining up to challenge but none could come close to the stunning level of ineptitude and chaos managed by the Gunners. Exhibit A, Liverpool – came the closest, boasting a back four that was way too slow and down to the customary threesome following the sending off of nitboy Skrtel. Admittedly this was matched by their midfield which had Scotch hacker Adam sent off too. Exhibit B, Stoke – conceded the kind of comedy defensive goals usually reserved for Koscielny, as Sunderland somehow managed to slip four past them. Those European awaydays do have a habit of coming back and biting you on the arse, although credit to Pulis, who refused to accept that as an excuse. Exhibit C Naarich – who are so poor defensively that they’ve conceded a penalty in every game.

Still, worst defence, worst disciplinary record, genuine relegation form, this is the modern Arsenal. It used to be that one-nil to the Arsenal was the end of the game. Now they don’t look like they can ever hold a lead. Look on my works ye mighty and despair.

That Secret Ingredient? Pace

Man U, Spurs and, bizarrely, QPR seem to have it. It’s this season’s must have game-winning accessory, kind of like rocket propelled tattoos. More importantly, lack of pace is a killer, just ask the nitboy who was repeatedly skinned by Bale until he was sent off, or look at the increasingly useless Djourou being left in the trails of Blackburn’s vaguely speedy wingers. Lack of pace should spell the end of Lampard, Terry, Carragher, Skrtel, all of the Arsenal back four bar Sagna and numerous mid table monkeys.

Bad Tackles Are Back In Fashion

Still if you can’t beat ‘em, or even keep up with ‘em, simply hack ‘em. Henry’s last minute lunge on Barton had all the hallmarks of a deliberate assault, if I don’t get the ball, my opponent isn’t getting up. After doing a couple last year, it’s safe to say Henry IS that kind of player, slow, dangerous and thuggish. Ashley Cole on Chicarito, not a genuine attempt to injure, just a fantastically bad challenge. Charlie Adam on Parker, let’s just say, like Kevin Davies, the boy has plenty of previous. Once again the Prem has to decide whether it wants to preserve it’s archaic ‘manly’ regime of dangerous tackling or if it would like to protect talented players. I’ll go with the good players.

Is Rebuilding A Two Year Cycle (Minimum)?

Man U aside, who appear to be in a constant process of successful rebuilding (and by the way the £17 million they spent on recruiting ‘fourth place’ defender Phil Jones is starting to look like the deal of the season), it appears to go like this.
Three years ago Spurs were lying in the relegation spots with two points from eight games, last season Uncle Wroy’s Liverpool got off to a shocker after Benitez had led them out of the top four, before the club changed hands and Kenny completed his putsch, now Arsenal are having that early season free fall feeling (having spent large parts of the end of last season practicing and having lost their two key midfielders during the summer). The key question now is, can the team realistically recover to secure a top four finish or are they condemned to a two year rebuilding cycle?

The omens for Arsenal aren’t great. It appears that Spurs have only just completed their transition to genuine top four challengers, and while Liverpool one year on appear further along the restorative path than Arsenal, judging by their performance this weekend it’s not much further. Maybe it does take two entire seasons to turn things around.

Or maybe it’s simply the money. Is it any coincidence that Spurs’ best striker since Berbatov is being paid waaaaay more money than Spurs’ normal wage structure would allow as he’s being subsidised by Man City? Quality apparently does cost. How long before other key players like Modric want a piece of that?

Or maybe it’s more complicated, as Spurs finished fourth after almost two seasons of Redknapp, then faded a bit last season as the big cup had its effect. And despite being a year further along than Arsenal, Liverpool looked every bit as turgid, if not as defensively incompetent as North London’s finest.

Meanwhile Arsenal are still in that strange state of denial that precedes the ‘moment of clarity’ that catalyses genuine change. Arguably to follow the Man U constant revolution they should have turned the corner and acted TWO years ago, when it became clear that their defence wasn’t up to it and Vermaelen, even when fit, wasn’t enough on his own. Who knows, if they’d done that rather than spend the entire summer convincing Fabregas to stay another year, they might actually have won something.

The purchase of Koscielny and Squillaci, in addition to reinforcing the view that Wenger is reluctant to spend big or trust outside Ligue 1, simply confirms the view that success in French Ligue 1 is no longer any indication of Prem level success or even competence (which doesn’t bode well for either Chamakh or Gervinho). Certainly the days when Arsène could happily raid French clubs and expect immediate results have long since gone. Now they’re stuck with a defence that’s both slow and tactically incompetent, a midfield that’s just lost its two best players, while reinforcing poorly and an attack that looks largely toothless. Add to that zero morale and relegation form and you’ve got to be concerned. This is Arsène’s biggest challenge so far.

Whose Euro Draw Was best?

While Arsenal’s draw away to the German champions appeared to be the best bit of Eurobiz (you only had to see the reaction of the German side to their late equaliser to see how big a point they felt it was), on balance it has to be Man U’s point away to Benfica or ‘Appy ‘Arry’s draw away to POAK that stand out. Both played a ‘second’ team away, nicked a point, and most importantly won at the weekend, probably the single most important requirement of a successful Euro awayday.

The key to going through the Euro Group stage being to win at home without sacrificing your league performance as nine points will pretty much guarantee going through, albeit not necessarily as group winners. Playing the percentage game away from home and then winning in the Prem is the critical tactic. At the end of the season no one will care if you won all your group matches if you keep losing or drawing in the league and miss out on the big cup next season. The Inter games aside, who remembers Spurs’ group stage matches last season? Who remembers that Spurs aren’t in it this season?

And Next Year’s Champions League Teams Will Be

If last year is anything to go by, and here we should mention the obligatory “the past is no indication of the future” disclaimers, then next year’s Big Cup Boys will be Man U, Man City, Chelski and, er, Newcastle.

Yes, this time last year the top four at the end of week 5 was the top four at the end of the season, albeit in a different order. Indeed, the top five at the end of the week 5 was the top five at the end of the season. And, despite both Man U and Man City getting off to flyers, the points totals don’t look that different either. Which doesn’t bode well for Spurs, Liverpool or Arsenal. Unless they’re particularly fond of the Europa League.

A Great Weekend’s Football

After all the malarkey with the transfer window and the international week, it has been a pretty mucky start to the Prem, with just the odd game each week to keep us interested. Not any more. This weekend kicked off with the shock of the week, if indeed you can call Arsenal throwing away a lead a shock (or even an upset) any more, and just blew up from there.

Sunday was a genuinely outstanding football day. Spurs’ demolition of Liverpool was the Prem at its best, pace and ability crushing a static defence with no midfield, while Man U’s match with Chelski was one of the most entertaining Big Four clashes for a long time. It’s been a while since any top English team has had the balls to simply go at Man U at Old Trafford. And on another day Chelski could easily have won.

Arsenal showed that it really is two steps forward six steps back (as the Gang of Four used to say). They started out really well against Blackburn, pressing them high up the pitch and denying them space and time on the ball. If this was their response to their poor run of form, it was outstanding. Their first goal, after 10 minutes of pressure, was fully deserved. They were undoubtedly in command and it just seemed a question of how many they were going to tap in. Then, inevitably, they collapsed. It was like Newcastle 2010-11 Redux. A single, sweet flick from Yakubu trundled its way between Mertesacker and Koscielny, past Szczesny and into the net. It was almost slow motion, yet there was nothing anyone could do. Two own goals, some appalling defending and a crazy last ten minutes of chance after chance for Arsenal meant it finished 4 – 3 to Blackburn. As Arséne put it, “we scored five goals and we still didn’t win”.

Saturday was also New Boys’ Day, with all the promoted teams winning. Swansea finally scored a goal. Then got so carried away they scored two more and did for a poor West Brom. Both will be scrapping it out in the relegation pit at the end of the season.

QPR have adapted fast. Normally I don’t have much time for their manager, but he’s far more enjoyable when he’s in charge of a team that can actually play. It’s tempting to say that they’ve taken on board both the best bits of Blackpool’s open, attacking play and the need for a resilient, experienced spine. Certainly they’ve been ruthless when it comes to replacing the Championship level back four that was so brutally cut to pieces in Week 1. And like Joey Barton, they go for the jugular. They were really unlucky not to win on Monday and they tore an average Wolves apart. Not quite up to the standards of Man U doing Arsenal, or Spurs doing Liverpool, but enough to make you wonder what this team could actually do. If they keep this up there’s no way they’ll be involved in the dogfight. Wolves, meanwhile, seem to have reverted to type, trundling out the ‘physical’ card after a couple of weeks of playing football.

Naarich, the final new boys, will find it much harder. Yes they won, beating a very poor Bolton side, but their style of play is still very much Championship. Their tackling is agricultural at best, often involving no more than charging into people, and they haven’t adapted well to the speed and mobility of the Prem. It’s no coincidence that in five matches they’ve conceded five penalties, and I wince every time I see the challenge on Klasnic or the one on Drogba earlier this season, where a Naarich player simply assaults them in midair. Guaranteed relegation fodder. Bolton, top of the league earlier this season, look thoroughly poor.

Everton celebrated, if that’s the word, their offloading of Arteta to Arsenal by caning Wigan. Usually Everton are asleep until November at the earliest. This time, they seem to have woken up at the start of the season. Unusually, given they really haven’t had any money to spend, it feels as if they have refreshed the squad and they now seem almost revoltingly perky. New boy Drenthe has the body of Ballotelli, but has somehow married it to an actual brain.

Sadly Saturday wasn’t all excitement as Newcastle took their ‘draw away from home’ mentality to Villa. And they duly ran out 1 all drawers in a match of scant excitement or indeed interest. Still, they’re the ones in the Big Cup place, so yar boo sucks to anyone who complains.

Sunday was the day though. All of the top four playing, with Man U facing Chelski in the first big clash of the season, with an aperitif of Spurs v Liverpool and a side dish of Fulham hosting Man City. Oh and Stoke, the final member of the Big Four, going to winless Man U Old Boys.

Spurs have flattered to deceive before, but they seem to reserve their best performances for the big(ish) teams. Think of their match last season at home to Inter, where they simply ran at the Italians. For 90 minutes. Spurs were out of the blocks and one up before Liverpool even made it into their half. They ruled the midfield, dictated the game and only won by 4 because it was clear they’d stepped down a gear after about an hour when it was clear that Liverpool were no threat. In the same way that Man City totally tore Spurs apart in week 3, so Spurs laid into Liverpool.

It was one of those games where everything one team does went right and everything the opposing team tries (if you can call what Liverpool did trying), fails. Both of Spurs’ new boys, Parker and Adebayor, were fantastic, while none of Liverpool’s new signings seem to have made the journey down from the North. Carroll continues to fail to live up to his reputation, Adam was ponderous enough to be sent off, Downing had his usual one good foray upstream before vanishing, even Suarez looked irritated and off-form. And if £20 million man Jordan Henderson was on the pitch he must have been in hiding, because he never touched the ball. Easily the worst Liverpool performance in years, made more worrying by the fact that this was a ‘strong’ Liverpool team beaten by pace and midfield dominance.

Man U then cranked things up a notch by letting Chelski come at them, while somehow contriving to be 3 – 0 up at half time. Once again the scoreline and the match stats fail to tell the whole story. Chelski created chance after chance and only a profligacy in front of goal and some great defensive play kept Chelski at nil. It wasn’t that Man U were particularly dominant at any point, more that, like Spurs, everything they touched turned to goals. Even when Chelski’s defence went all Arsenal in its incompetence, Man U didn’t look as if they were really in charge.

The second half was more a tale of amazing misses than it was of a great goal by Torres and a stirring comeback by the Blues. First, Rooney missed a penalty, sliding on the turf and ballooning the ball John Terry-like over the bar, then Torres did the hard bit, latching onto a through ball and rounding the keeper, before amazingly putting the ball wide of an open goal.

The match reinforced two things. First, this Chelski side is genuinely threatening, something it hasn’t been since about this time last season. If Villas-Boas builds on this, he will have something special on his hands. Second, this Man U side is starting to look exceptional. In contrast to last year, where they looked dull, but managed to scrape wins and draws together, this group of players looks like a real team and plays with both all the skill and all the luck. Unless they implode even more spectacularly than Chelski did last season I can’t see anyone in the Prem matching them.

Man City have begun to hit the wall so beloved of teams in the Big Cup. And while a draw at home to Italian high flyers Napoli might not be a total disaster, it puts them under pressure in a group that was always going to be harsh. And drawing a game away to not-quiet-so-high flying Fulham simply reinforces the sense of bad week anti-climax. For the first time this season it felt like David Silva wasn’t in total control of the midfield, while Nasri put in another one of his ‘phoner’ performances and the defence looked somewhat shaky. Still a good point for Fulham.

If City were feeling the effects of a Euro tie at home, pity poor Stoke, who’d had to travel to the Ukraine (and back) to play Dynamo Kiev. They clearly hadn’t quiet made it back to Man U Old Boys although all the players bodies were apparently on the pitch. And they were taken apart by the Old Boys, who managed to put 4 past a defence that had previously only conceded a single goal. Admittedly most of the goals were unlucky scuffers that seemed to slip through the massed ranks of Stoke players, but it was a pretty poor performance from both sides.

Plus Ça Change Corner

Everything changes. Apparently.

• Huth – booked. At last.
• Arsenal – still the worst defence in the Prem, still the worst disciplinary record, but managed to keep all 11 players on the pitch (again)
• Cattermole – benched
• Henderson – anonymous.

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Crash, Bang, Wallop! The Season Starts Here

So the moment finally arrives. The Transfer Window has slammed shut, the wheeler-dealering has been put on hold, the International Week is over and everyone can now focus entirely on club football. At least until the middle of October and the next International Week.  Now we can really begin to assess who’s going up, who’s going down and who’s simply trundling along making up the numbers.

Ahead In September, Rubbish In May – As Granny Used To Say

Admittedly having a lead at the start of September counts for very little. We still remember a time when no one bothered to publish a Prem table until at least half a dozen games had been played. This time in the season you traditionally see the likes of Bolton, Aston Villa, Everton or Goddamit Stoke sneaking gleefully into the Top Four for their momentary glimpse of life at the top table, before they hurridly sneak back out again once they face a decent team or two. Last year it was new boys Blackpool and Newcastle lobbing their way like yahooing handgrenades into the Top Six. This year it’s been not quite so new boys Bolton and European debutantes Stoke getting all vertiginous. Frankly the idea that these guys are going to be around the Top Four come season’s end is laughable. Mind you last year the Top Five after week 5 was the Top Five at the end of the season, albeit in a slightly different order, which might indicate that next weekend’s series of matches (not least Man U vs Chelski) will be critical.

Way In Front – The Manchesters

All of which bodes well for The Manchesters, who, like pug ugly siblings are matching each other spot for spot. A Chelski 2010-like unbeaten run, with gallons of goals and sparkling football to their credit, what could possibly go wrong for our friends in tut North? You have only to look at the cautionary tale that was Chelski last season, whose mysterious midwinter implosion cost them what looked like the most nailed on title for years and was matched only by Arsenal’s second half season of relegation form. Admittedly, both Manchesters are playing better than Chelski were this time last year (no mean feat), have faced better opposition (if you can call Spurs more challenging) and have greater strength in depth than the Londoners. So it would take two really spectacular falls from grace for the title to go anywhere but Manchester this season.

On The Pitch Action

And it’s desperately hard to put anything between them. Man U pretty much carried on from their 8-2 demolition of Arsenal with a 5-0 win away at Bolton. Once again they were impressive. They seem to have added a lethal element of movement to their game, breaking the ball upfield so much faster than they did last year. Rooney seems to have shrugged off whatever malaise he picked up in Germany 18 months ago. His second consecutive hattrick showing what a truly dangerous player he can be. You almost wonder how it is that Engerland can extract such poor returns from a player this good. Chicarito, too, was outstanding in his movement in front of goal. Bolton were dreadful and in Kevin Davies they have exactly the kind of cynical ‘hard tackling’ thug the Prem should be getting rid of.

So, was Man City‘s mere 3-0 thumping of Wigan, better or worse? Hard to say. Wigan were more open and slightly less defensively frail than Bolton, while City were once again fabulous. Silva again ruled the midfield, while Aguero was always threatening. So much so that almost no one noticed when Leetle Carlito slipped into oblivion, missed a penalty and was substituted. It’s amazing to think that City’s defining player, whose presence was essential to them last season, should seem so peripheral now. Nasri’s introduction (for Tevez) allowed City to step up a gear in both creativity and threat. Surrounded by strikers who are somewhat more clinical than Robin Van Persie and Nicklas Bendtner, he is another player who seems to be back to his best.  United vs City in October should be a genuinely big game.

After the kind of 6 months that would down most sides, Arsenal needed to find a little bit of luck. Fortunately they were playing Swansea, a team high on style but low on goals. And generous in the extreme. If fans thought that Liverpool’s first goal against Arsenal a couple of weeks ago was jammy (ricocheting as it did off Ramsey and over Szczesny into the net), then Arshavin’s goal here was jammy whipped cream with a cherry on top. Normally sane keeper Vorm collected the ball and threw it into his own defender, leaving Arshavin with an open goal. Fortunately for the Russian he didn’t miss. Arsenal, with a patched up team of the barely fit and the new boys, were admirable in the first half, in particular Arteta and Arshavin, but lost energy and confidence in the second. Swansea, who have maintained their footballing philosophy and their Championship players, couldn’t find a way through to score.

It’s been transfers ahoy at Sunderland or Man U Old Boys as Brucie has brought in nearly an entire new team. Sadly this doesn’t seem to have helped. The replacement of Gyan (lured overseas for a quadruple your wages, big fat paycheck) with Arsenal ego Bendtner is less of a loss than a double whammy as the Dane missed his customary sitter and failed to contribute for the rest of the match, ultimately being outshone by other new boy, Korean sub Ji Dong-Won. Chelski still haven’t found their mojo, but they were still a class above MUOBs. Their new boy, Mata, along with Sturridge and Meireles looks to have added a little bit of style, but they still seem too pedestrian to be really threatening.

Stoke vs Liverpool showed us all what two of the slowest English defenders in the league can do. Upson and Carragher are each so far off the pace that they can barely compete without bearhugging their opponents. And finally one of them was found out when Carragher dragged his opponent to the ground and conceded a penalty. Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish moaned away about refereeing decisions, but he’d be better off addressing the performance of players like Adam and Henderson, who didn’t seem able to hit a ball on target all day. Henderson particularly is having the kind of nightmare you expect fiddly foriegners to have, and managed a spectacular failure in front of goal despite having three attempts.  That said, Liverpool had all of the chances, with Stoke new boy Crouch not getting near the Liverpool goal all match.

Everton, shorn of Arteta, are looking under pressure. They still seem to have creativity and a wellspring of young players, but their  problem, as always, is goals and their inability to score them. Still they managed to lead Villa twice before being pegged back each time, suggesting that they may also be suffering in defence. Villa, shorn of Young and Downing, look less of a force than they were.

Wolves, like Stoke, have started well, so obviously it was not going to last. They fell to a Spurs team searching for their first win. Spurs’ fundamental problem, if not the solution, was clearly apparent here. They are an effective 4-4-2 team, playing with ‘Arry’s favourite Big Un, Little Un partnership, in this case Adebayor and Defoe, both of whom scored. They are far less effective when playing with Van Der Vaart, whose presence demands a tactical shift. This means more goals for Van Der Vaart, but completely neutralises whichever striker is picked to be his dupe, to the extent that the team actually suffers in the long run. With two outlets for goals, Spurs were far superior, cutting Wolves open at will. Their goals were both the result of outstanding pass and move workings around the box. Van Der Vaart’s return presents an interesting challenge for the team.

On Sunday we were given the dregs. New boys Narrich seem to have put too much trust in the team that were surprise runners up in the Championship and looked second best to everything against Uncle Wroy’s West Brom. And if they find West Brom hard, they are going to be found out all over the Prem. Meanwhile Fulham couldn’t summon up enough skill to beat a very poor Blackburn. Both those teams look like they’re in for a long struggle this season.

In contrast to both Swansea and Narrich, QPR have realised that winning the Championship and staying in the Prem are two very different things and have recruited appropriately. Their purchases of Joey Barton, Shaun Wright-Phillips, and Armand Traoré (who was surprisingly good) have given them a little bit of Prem class and know-how and it showed against Newcastle. The extra pace and vision of the new boys meant that, not only were they less of the defensive catastrophe we saw against Bolton in Week 1, but they were incisive (if ultimately ineffective) in attack. It also meant that Tarabt is not their only source of creativity, enabling him to move more freely and become more of a genuine threat. On another day QPR would have had three or four, while Newcastle, who came in with a no score draw gameplan were very lucky to get nil.

Plus Ça Change Corner

Things that never change in the Prem

• Johnathan Woodgate – failed a fitness test. That Stoke gamble is beginning to pay off
• Kevin Davies King of Fouls – not booked for late, ankle breaking tackle from behind. Man U’s Cleverly will be out for at least a month. He really IS that kind of a player
• Arsenal – still the masters of the disciplinary table although they didn’t have anyone sent off this week
• Robert Huth – still unbooked

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Description Of A Fool

I’m sure there was a song once by someone like A Tribe Called Quest about what it takes to build a Frankenstein fool out of the bits n pieces of poor quality human flesh you find lying around the place. A major constituent of which was unblinkered support for poor quality national sporting teams. Nowhere is this more in evidence than in the poor, deluded fans of the Engerland football team. Fools to a man (and woman), they (we) continue to expect commanding, effective performances when years (decades in many cases) of experience tell us that this is simply not possible. Like hapless Lotto victims drawn back to the scratchcard pit simply because the potential jackpot (a genuinely impressive Engerland performance) is so staggeringly massive, they (we) are pulled back into the remorseless gravitational hole that is an Engerland match by the seeming certainty that one day, some day, it won’t be as terrible as this. That one day, some day, we will once again hit the heights of Engerland v Holland ’96, which was a truly beautiful game albeit one that took place over 15 years ago. And just as the Jolly Jackpot custodians pocket our tenners with glee, passing the dregs on to a cornucopia of poorly chosen ‘good causes’, so the Engerland team crush our spirits and extinguish our hopes by putting in yet another truly tedious display. One day, some day, we will tire of it.

Wales Scale The Lows

Pity the poor Welsh. Hampered by a catchment area that is not only the size of Bosnia-Herzegovina, but mainly populated by Welsh rugby players, they outpassed and out thought Engerland for large portions of the game and still got nothing for their trouble. They did Engerland a massive favour by beating Montenegro (something Engerland couldn’t do themselves) earlier in the week and they doubled up by missing an open goal from six yards to avoid giving themselves a draw. Now that’s either being super charitable, or bloody unlucky. Given they had the two most influential and effective players on the pitch in Ramsey and Bale, Wales have to consider themselves cursed in some way.

Engerland, meanwhile, just seem to be eternally cursed. The same tortuous failings reared their heads again. And while time and injury seem to have reduced the decade-long issue of how to play both Lampard and Gerrard in the same team to an irrelevance, the elephant in the room remains the absolute lack of any kind of creative midfield. We have a vaguely solid defence, Hart is good in goal, Smalling is looking capable, if a bit inexperienced on the right, Cole is looking experienced, if a little slower on the left, while Terry, Cahill, Rio, Jagielka and co provide a decent set of vaguely competent centerback pairings albeit with limited speed. We have pace, if not application, in the intermittent wing play of Wallchart, Young, Johnson and Downing, and occasionally skilful work from Rooney in attack. Yet we have no one and nothing to bind these two together other than aimless, ineffective hoof balls sent flying over the midfield like artillery barrages from the First World War.

Engerland’s failings are rooted in a schooling system that has children playing on full size pitches, where kick n rush is the common tongue and a long ball over the midfield scrum is often effective as your goal-hanging striker can just about outrun the opposition and pile the ball into a goalmouth that easily swallows pint-size keepers. It’s here that the thuggish 11 year old defenders can cut down attackers half their size with meaty impunity, barrage blocking them through the sheer power of their girths. Soon these too slow, too inept leviathans will become the Upsons of their age, taking their poor touch and limited control to all areas of the football league. No wonder we have no midfield. If Messi were English his legs would never have been extended and his spirit and talent would have been crushed by the time he was 12.

Engerland’s midfield was the pride of this exemplary display of long-term scholastic ignorance. Barry, so slow he makes time lapse photography look impossible, Milner, so continually ineffective, and the returning Lampard, who once played for Chelsea for years at a time, now seems to struggle to see his way through a single game. These are men more suited to playing a giant game of Grandmother’s Footsteps, not football, so static and immobile they seem. Not a single decisive forward thinking pass through the middle from any of them for the entire match. Not one, penetrating diagonal to Rooney. Not even an attempt. Barry seems to have thought that because he was wearing the no 4 shirt he should have been in the defence, or if he wasn’t that the ball should be immediately returned there. Milner seemed so preoccupied fouling Bale, he didn’t have time to do anything with the ball. While Lampard saw so little of it he might as well have been on holiday. Still he was more effective than Scott Parker, who replaced him and collapsed Engerland’s shape even further.

All of which meant that rather than pushing forward and pressing the Welsh, which admittedly Engerland did do for moments at the start of each half, the midfield simply stood off the defence, hunkering down on the customary 18 yard line like stick thin linebackers holding hands with the defence, and forced the attack to retreat ever further in search of the ball. As a result much of the play was condensed in the Engerland half, allowing Wales to have ever-more possession and making the old Engerland hoofball even more ineffective.

Rooney must just despair. Stuffed upfront like an unwanted child’s toy, he can’t have received the ball more than a handful of times in the Welsh half and each time he did he was encircled by two or three Welshmen and bereft of support. It must be something of a culture shock to come from a side that’s playing fluid, interchangeable pass and move football to the Engerland camp, where movement is discouraged, possession something to be feared and passing erratic at best.

There is an upside, if rewarding your greatest failings can be said to have an upside. Engerland have played very poorly and still got six points. No one got injured and we are a step nearer to qualification. Right now, the fact that these performances won’t see us get a point in the Group Stages is somewhat immaterial.

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Not  A Lot To Write Home About

A win is a win eh? And doubly so when it’s a win in the Euro 2012 qualifiers and pesky side Montenegro manage to lose against the Welsh. Once again Engerland’s destiny is in their own hands. From here on in it’s all downhill (naturally).

That SkyGo Malarky Ain’t Half Bad

For various reasons I was without television, or more practically given that not only was the game only available on Sky but there were no terrestrial highlights, I was without access to Sky Sports. So I had to make do with Sky’s SkyGo app on my iPad. I had expected shit-stream quality video with warbling audio and frequent drop outs. What I got was great quality video and audio. On a 2Mbs line. Pretty fabulous. Didn’t compensate for a terrifyingly stilted match though.

Crap Kit

Engerland sported a new-fangled blue kit, which like Fulham’s goose-shit green away kit or numerous brown kits, should be swiftly consigned to the bin.

Where, Oh Where, Was The Midfield?

What with four defenders and two holding midfielders and, occasionally, dragging Rooney back into midfield, Engerland often had seven men in their own half behind the leading Bulgarian. Which left their three attacking players struggling to weave their way through up to nine outfield players arranged in two neat rows on their 18 yard line. So it was no surprise that the game quickly degenerated into a ghastly kind of head tennis. Capello’s innate defensive nature meant he played not one, but two holding players and both Barry and Parker are way too slow and far too defensively inept for genuine international competition. Their inclination to drop deep meant that there was in effect no midfield at all, another reason for the incessant hoofball being played by the defence. Engerland are going to have to learn to actually pass the ball on the ground through midfield if they want to actually have any genuine threat in international matches.

Oh And It Should Be Pass AND Move

Once again there was little movement from England players who didn’t have the ball. When they lost possession, a leisurely jog back to their own half was required, but without any need to actually track back or mark any of the opposition. When one of Engerland’s players did have the ball, the rest simply stood around like bemused onlookers. No wonder there was no option for the defenders other than a hoof or punt. If you can’t play it to the midfield, because the midfielders are either standing on your toes or on the opponent’s penalty area, and no one else is showing for the ball, what else can you do? If Engerland want to make this more attack-minded lineup actually work, they’re going to have to indulge themselves in some off-ball movement.

Still It’s The Result That Counts

And, yes, it was 3 – 0 to the Engerland. But the performance was dire and if the Bulgarians hadn’t given up before the game started things would have been a whole lot different. This kind of performance will lose you a Championship Group Stage match every day of the week. Still, next up, the Welsh.

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Close Your Eyes If You’re Feeling Squeemish

Very occasionally, just once or twice a year (if you’re lucky), you’ll see a truly horrendous carcrash of a game. A game of two teams so obviously unmatched that it is actually painful to watch. Usually it’s some low level team of hoof merchants coming up against a proper Prem team on top of their game. They emerge blinking into the floodlights of The Big Club and never truly recover. We patronise them by calling it “their cup final”. They leave, tails between their legs, on the back of a 5 or so thumping. But on the whole it’s nothing unexpected.

After a somewhat turgid start, this week the Prem took off with a bloody big bang and we saw not one, but two absolute beatings that didn’t so much put the beatees in their place as slam them down, nail a coffinlid over their heads and bury them six feet under for all time along with their title challenges. Unlike all of last season, this felt like a clear defining moment, a sea change in the footballing gravity of the Prem. After this week Things Will Not Be The Same Again. Ever. The momentum has moved, the pendulum has swung. After this week, it’s the Manchesters for everything.

You know that it’s serious when Spurs can be obliterated 5 – 1 at home by a rampant Man City, not just beaten but utterly defeated in front of their own fans, and everyone can still come out thinking that they were the lucky ones. That this week they had it easy. Because an hour after City packed their bags, Arsenal were being annihilated 8 – 2 by Man U.

Didn’t See That Arsène?

Arsène Wenger built himself a reputation in his early Prem years for not seeing the ugly challenges of Viera and Petit. However, even he must have seen this train wreck of a performance coming. Everyone else did. Even after Arsenal’s impressive performance against Udinese in their Big Cup qualifier, I don’t think anyone actually expected them to get anything other than beaten at Old Trafford. However, I don’t think anyone expected them to get beaten so badly. A team of kids, and second string kids at that, a defence held together by Djourou and featuring a player so bad he would be sold to QPR two days later, a midfield that included a Prem debut for previously unheard of Francis Coquelin and both Arshavin and Rosicky bogging up the park, didn’t bode well, but surely they didn’t deserve this?

Well, actually, yes they did. And it had been coming for a while. Over the summer Man U have taken their Big Cup beating at the hands of Barcelona to heart and reevaluated their entire gameplan. Instead of simply relying on width with the likes of Valencia, they have evolved a side that has both pace and guile as well. Rooney seems rejuvenated, their new kids Cleverly and Welbeck are excellent and they have bought well, adding strength in depth to their squad. And as much as they were on form in the second half of the Charity Shield, against Arsenal they were simply on fire.

If Man U have built from their failures, then Arsenal have simply built on theirs. Failure to invest in the team for the past three years has left them not simply with no plan B, but no team B either. It has been blindingly clear to everyone that Arsenal’s defence has been painfully lacking in both tactical awareness and depth for a long, long time. It was accentuated last year when the excellent Vermaelen was injured in September and his cover consisted of new boys Koscielny and the execrable Squillaci, a player so bad he makes Wenger’s previous defensive purchase look like gold dust. In January, when Vermaelen still hadn’t recovered, Arsenal failed to invest in a new central defender, preferring to trust that somehow Djourou would do something he hadn’t done for the 11 seasons he’s been at the club, namely defend with confidence. The results speak for themselves. After losing the Carling Cup final following their now-legendary defensive cock up, Arsenal went on a Prem run of relegation quality, winning only twice for the rest of the season. Truly this beating has been coming for a long, long time.

It’s clear that while Man U have embraced change, Arsenal have descended into a hellish netherworld of Maoist dogmatism. “Be pragmatic in everything except politics,” declared the once great leader as he drove his country into a decade of devastation. Arsène’s Way seems equally set in stone. Pretty midfield passing, terrifyingly bad defending and occasional goal scoring. When it works, as against Braga at home in last year’s Champions League, it’s a beautiful thing to watch. When it doesn’t, the team falls apart. One can only hope that the effects don’t last as long as Mao’s ‘Great Leap Forward’.

Everyone in the Prem now knows how to beat Arsenal. There are even two ways of doing it. The first, for teams who aren’t that good, is to defend deep, put 10 men behind the ball and try to bully Arsenal. They will  respond by flouncing around the 18 yard line and fail to score. You can then try to score on the break. The second, for the good teams, is to take the game to them. Again aggressively press them and break with speed and movement, attacking their suicidally high defensive line and beat their defenders for both pace and skill. Good as he is Szczesny will never stop every attack.

Time For A New Gameplan

It’s interesting that Arsenal are often (well sometimes) referred to as the ‘English Barcelona’ simply because they try to play a predominantly passing game. The truth is that there is as much difference between the two as there is similarity. Not least because for all the players they nurture from their training school, Barcelona buy in talent at an alarming rate. And not just developing talent, but fully formed big time, big money talent. Over the last few years they’ve bought in Villa, Mascherano, Danny Alves, Seydou Kieta (who played more games for them last season than anyone else), Piqué, Abidal, Henry and Yaya Touré to name but a few. That’s over half of their current A team. And that’s not including the €80 million they spent on moving Ibrahimovic from one Milan club to another having decided they didn’t like him after all. And it’s clear Barcelona aren’t afraid to spend big to continually rejuvenate their team. Because this year they strengthened again, adding Fabregas and Alexis Sánchez. Like Real Madrid, Man U, Man City and Liverpool, Barcelona understand that they have to keep spending to ensure continued success. Arsenal, in contrast, are a selling club, having sold some £100 million of players to Barcelona alone over the past decade or so.

Even with this un-Arsenallike spending, the most important difference appears to be a philosophical one. Pep Guardiola states that he has to have a new strategy every season to keep Barcelona at the top. Even in a two horse league where the worst that is going to happen is that they come second to Real Madrid constant rejuvenation is essential. Similarly Man U appear to be if not constantly revolting, at least in a state of perpetual redevelopment. Only Arsenal, once the technical and tactical innovators, seem to be afflicted with a singular, unchanging mindset, a mindset that let’s not forget is now accompanied by relegation form. If it wasn’t so painful to watch it would almost be funny.

Let’s Not Dwell On The Detail Eh…

Oh but let’s. The first goal was symptomatic of Arsenal’s defensive failings. You would have thought that after the Carling Cup, Arsenal defenders would have practiced dealing with balls coming over their shoulders, but apparently not. A deft chip by Anderson over Djourou and Koscielny had them all a-fluster, leaving Welbeck to head the ball over Szczesny in a looping trajectory that recalled both their last defensive catastrophy against Liverpool and Di Natale’s beautifully taken header at Udinese.

Ashley Young then showed everyone what Theo Wallchart should have been doing for the last two years when he came in from the wing and curled the ball into the top corner from the edge of the area, not once but twice, à la one Thierry Henry.

Not to be outdone Rooney scored two outstanding free kicks, utterly baffling Szczesny. The fact that the second free kick was a carbon copy of the first just added to the humiliation. And he scored a penalty. Still Szczesny can take comfort from the fact that in a week where he has let in 9 goals from open play, he saved the one penalty that really mattered.

It says a lot about the quality of both Young and Rooney’s goals that a super chip from Nani and a typically workmanlike goal from Park Ji-Sung should be almost totally forgettable. As were both Arsenal’s goals from Wallchart and van Persie, who haplessly also missed a penalty. By the end it was almost embarrassing. No, by the end it was beyond embarrassing.

Plus Ça Change Corner

Strange things afoot in the Prem as the Corner gets a little smaller.

• Lee Cattermole – Booked? Actually no. A full game on the pitch and no yellow card
• Ryan Shawcross – Booked? Actually no. Still they were playing West Brom
• Arsenal v Man U – Arsenal have man sent off after Jenkinson gets physical. Yet again the best footballing side in the division has the worst disciplinary record and now the worst defence in the league
• Amazingly Robert Huth has still not been booked. He is now an impressive 10 yellows and 4 red cards (we’re counting that Song stamp as a straight red) behind Arsenal after only three games. The mind just boggles.

Who said the Prem was predictable?

What About Those Other Games?

Spurs may just consider themselves the luckiest team in North London. If ever there was a crafty way to take a total shafting this was it. Step one, get absolutely creamed by a Man City side that just seems to get more and more authoritative. Admittedly, like Barcelona, they’re not afraid of nicking Arsenal’s top talent just as it comes into fruition. What with taking Clichy and Nasri off the Gunners’ hands that’s upwards of £100 million they’ve paid Arsenal for youth development. No wonder they’re keen to set up their own youth team system. Still they seem happy to be equal opportunity shafters, giving it to Spurs with both barrels by not just beating them on the pitch, but loaning them morale sapper extraordinaire Adebeyor for a season.

And City were impressive. As good as they were against Swansea, here they were even better. Nasri was dominant in a way he never really achieved at Arsenal, complementing the always outstanding Silva and liberating Djeko, who only scored the four goals, politely allowing new boy Sergio Aguero to nab the other one. Spurs looked like children who’d had all their sweets stolen.

All of which kind of put the rest of the Prem into the shade. Liverpool had a very comfortable win over former pace setters, now relegation hopefuls, Bolton. This time they seem to have learnt their lesson and they started with Suarez, who gives them an edge even the Manchesters would envy. And while everyone seems convinced they paid over the odds for all their new boys, Henderson, Downing and Adam, the trio seem to be showing up more and more. Downing was, get this, impressive, while both Henderson and Adam scored. Bolton were uninventive in the extreme.

Chelsea might have beaten Narrich, but they were far from imperious. It seems almost like dredging through prehistory to recall that this time last year they were on fire and odds on to win the Prem at a canter. Then they had their weird Ray Wilkins moment and things haven’t been the same. Villas-Boas has his work cut out to give this lot their mojo back. Narrich look like they had better enjoy their time in the Prem, because they aren’t going to be staying for long.

Of the other new boys, QPR were comfortably beaten by Wigan, which doesn’t mean Wigan were particularly good. That ‘Pass it to Tarabt’ tactic that won QPR the Championship just isn’t going to play in the Prem. Swansea just about scraped a draw with Man U Old Boys, who once again were poor. Steve Bruce has only brought in 10 new players and they still look awful. It’s hard to admit, but £24 million to sell Darren Bent seems like a bit of a mistake.

Not that Darren was especially dangerous over the weekend as Villa and Wolves played out a dire nil-nil draw. Villa haven’t replaced Young and Downing in midfield, even if Agbonlahor looks to have found his spirit again. Like a clod-hopping defender crossing the halfway line, Wolves have recognised that two wins on the trot was a bit of a heady brew and have resumed normal service. Blackburn and Everton shared three penalties between them. It says something for the quality of the match that only one was scored.

West Brom might have thought that what with Stoke having to play their Europa League ties over the week, they might be a bit tired and easy meat. Sadly not true, although Stoke were far from their best, they had enough to just beat West Brom. Cue more facial wiping from Uncle Wroy.

Finally, Newcastle seem to be adjusting to life without Carroll, Nolan and Barton better than Carroll or Nolan are to their lives with Liverpool and West Ham. They beat a Zamora-less Fulham rather easily.

Let’s Take A Break

Please. Normally the September International Break is the curse of Arsenal, it disrupts their season and usually results in at least one key player being injured for the entire season (see van Persie and Vermaelen especially). This year it can’t come quickly enough. They’d happily settle for not seeing Djourou again one imagines.

Next stop two Engerland Euro 2012 qualifiers.

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