Close Your Eyes If You’re Feeling Squeemish

Very occasionally, just once or twice a year (if you’re lucky), you’ll see a truly horrendous carcrash of a game. A game of two teams so obviously unmatched that it is actually painful to watch. Usually it’s some low level team of hoof merchants coming up against a proper Prem team on top of their game. They emerge blinking into the floodlights of The Big Club and never truly recover. We patronise them by calling it “their cup final”. They leave, tails between their legs, on the back of a 5 or so thumping. But on the whole it’s nothing unexpected.

After a somewhat turgid start, this week the Prem took off with a bloody big bang and we saw not one, but two absolute beatings that didn’t so much put the beatees in their place as slam them down, nail a coffinlid over their heads and bury them six feet under for all time along with their title challenges. Unlike all of last season, this felt like a clear defining moment, a sea change in the footballing gravity of the Prem. After this week Things Will Not Be The Same Again. Ever. The momentum has moved, the pendulum has swung. After this week, it’s the Manchesters for everything.

You know that it’s serious when Spurs can be obliterated 5 – 1 at home by a rampant Man City, not just beaten but utterly defeated in front of their own fans, and everyone can still come out thinking that they were the lucky ones. That this week they had it easy. Because an hour after City packed their bags, Arsenal were being annihilated 8 – 2 by Man U.

Didn’t See That Arsène?

Arsène Wenger built himself a reputation in his early Prem years for not seeing the ugly challenges of Viera and Petit. However, even he must have seen this train wreck of a performance coming. Everyone else did. Even after Arsenal’s impressive performance against Udinese in their Big Cup qualifier, I don’t think anyone actually expected them to get anything other than beaten at Old Trafford. However, I don’t think anyone expected them to get beaten so badly. A team of kids, and second string kids at that, a defence held together by Djourou and featuring a player so bad he would be sold to QPR two days later, a midfield that included a Prem debut for previously unheard of Francis Coquelin and both Arshavin and Rosicky bogging up the park, didn’t bode well, but surely they didn’t deserve this?

Well, actually, yes they did. And it had been coming for a while. Over the summer Man U have taken their Big Cup beating at the hands of Barcelona to heart and reevaluated their entire gameplan. Instead of simply relying on width with the likes of Valencia, they have evolved a side that has both pace and guile as well. Rooney seems rejuvenated, their new kids Cleverly and Welbeck are excellent and they have bought well, adding strength in depth to their squad. And as much as they were on form in the second half of the Charity Shield, against Arsenal they were simply on fire.

If Man U have built from their failures, then Arsenal have simply built on theirs. Failure to invest in the team for the past three years has left them not simply with no plan B, but no team B either. It has been blindingly clear to everyone that Arsenal’s defence has been painfully lacking in both tactical awareness and depth for a long, long time. It was accentuated last year when the excellent Vermaelen was injured in September and his cover consisted of new boys Koscielny and the execrable Squillaci, a player so bad he makes Wenger’s previous defensive purchase look like gold dust. In January, when Vermaelen still hadn’t recovered, Arsenal failed to invest in a new central defender, preferring to trust that somehow Djourou would do something he hadn’t done for the 11 seasons he’s been at the club, namely defend with confidence. The results speak for themselves. After losing the Carling Cup final following their now-legendary defensive cock up, Arsenal went on a Prem run of relegation quality, winning only twice for the rest of the season. Truly this beating has been coming for a long, long time.

It’s clear that while Man U have embraced change, Arsenal have descended into a hellish netherworld of Maoist dogmatism. “Be pragmatic in everything except politics,” declared the once great leader as he drove his country into a decade of devastation. Arsène’s Way seems equally set in stone. Pretty midfield passing, terrifyingly bad defending and occasional goal scoring. When it works, as against Braga at home in last year’s Champions League, it’s a beautiful thing to watch. When it doesn’t, the team falls apart. One can only hope that the effects don’t last as long as Mao’s ‘Great Leap Forward’.

Everyone in the Prem now knows how to beat Arsenal. There are even two ways of doing it. The first, for teams who aren’t that good, is to defend deep, put 10 men behind the ball and try to bully Arsenal. They will  respond by flouncing around the 18 yard line and fail to score. You can then try to score on the break. The second, for the good teams, is to take the game to them. Again aggressively press them and break with speed and movement, attacking their suicidally high defensive line and beat their defenders for both pace and skill. Good as he is Szczesny will never stop every attack.

Time For A New Gameplan

It’s interesting that Arsenal are often (well sometimes) referred to as the ‘English Barcelona’ simply because they try to play a predominantly passing game. The truth is that there is as much difference between the two as there is similarity. Not least because for all the players they nurture from their training school, Barcelona buy in talent at an alarming rate. And not just developing talent, but fully formed big time, big money talent. Over the last few years they’ve bought in Villa, Mascherano, Danny Alves, Seydou Kieta (who played more games for them last season than anyone else), Piqué, Abidal, Henry and Yaya Touré to name but a few. That’s over half of their current A team. And that’s not including the €80 million they spent on moving Ibrahimovic from one Milan club to another having decided they didn’t like him after all. And it’s clear Barcelona aren’t afraid to spend big to continually rejuvenate their team. Because this year they strengthened again, adding Fabregas and Alexis Sánchez. Like Real Madrid, Man U, Man City and Liverpool, Barcelona understand that they have to keep spending to ensure continued success. Arsenal, in contrast, are a selling club, having sold some £100 million of players to Barcelona alone over the past decade or so.

Even with this un-Arsenallike spending, the most important difference appears to be a philosophical one. Pep Guardiola states that he has to have a new strategy every season to keep Barcelona at the top. Even in a two horse league where the worst that is going to happen is that they come second to Real Madrid constant rejuvenation is essential. Similarly Man U appear to be if not constantly revolting, at least in a state of perpetual redevelopment. Only Arsenal, once the technical and tactical innovators, seem to be afflicted with a singular, unchanging mindset, a mindset that let’s not forget is now accompanied by relegation form. If it wasn’t so painful to watch it would almost be funny.

Let’s Not Dwell On The Detail Eh…

Oh but let’s. The first goal was symptomatic of Arsenal’s defensive failings. You would have thought that after the Carling Cup, Arsenal defenders would have practiced dealing with balls coming over their shoulders, but apparently not. A deft chip by Anderson over Djourou and Koscielny had them all a-fluster, leaving Welbeck to head the ball over Szczesny in a looping trajectory that recalled both their last defensive catastrophy against Liverpool and Di Natale’s beautifully taken header at Udinese.

Ashley Young then showed everyone what Theo Wallchart should have been doing for the last two years when he came in from the wing and curled the ball into the top corner from the edge of the area, not once but twice, à la one Thierry Henry.

Not to be outdone Rooney scored two outstanding free kicks, utterly baffling Szczesny. The fact that the second free kick was a carbon copy of the first just added to the humiliation. And he scored a penalty. Still Szczesny can take comfort from the fact that in a week where he has let in 9 goals from open play, he saved the one penalty that really mattered.

It says a lot about the quality of both Young and Rooney’s goals that a super chip from Nani and a typically workmanlike goal from Park Ji-Sung should be almost totally forgettable. As were both Arsenal’s goals from Wallchart and van Persie, who haplessly also missed a penalty. By the end it was almost embarrassing. No, by the end it was beyond embarrassing.

Plus Ça Change Corner

Strange things afoot in the Prem as the Corner gets a little smaller.

• Lee Cattermole – Booked? Actually no. A full game on the pitch and no yellow card
• Ryan Shawcross – Booked? Actually no. Still they were playing West Brom
• Arsenal v Man U – Arsenal have man sent off after Jenkinson gets physical. Yet again the best footballing side in the division has the worst disciplinary record and now the worst defence in the league
• Amazingly Robert Huth has still not been booked. He is now an impressive 10 yellows and 4 red cards (we’re counting that Song stamp as a straight red) behind Arsenal after only three games. The mind just boggles.

Who said the Prem was predictable?

What About Those Other Games?

Spurs may just consider themselves the luckiest team in North London. If ever there was a crafty way to take a total shafting this was it. Step one, get absolutely creamed by a Man City side that just seems to get more and more authoritative. Admittedly, like Barcelona, they’re not afraid of nicking Arsenal’s top talent just as it comes into fruition. What with taking Clichy and Nasri off the Gunners’ hands that’s upwards of £100 million they’ve paid Arsenal for youth development. No wonder they’re keen to set up their own youth team system. Still they seem happy to be equal opportunity shafters, giving it to Spurs with both barrels by not just beating them on the pitch, but loaning them morale sapper extraordinaire Adebeyor for a season.

And City were impressive. As good as they were against Swansea, here they were even better. Nasri was dominant in a way he never really achieved at Arsenal, complementing the always outstanding Silva and liberating Djeko, who only scored the four goals, politely allowing new boy Sergio Aguero to nab the other one. Spurs looked like children who’d had all their sweets stolen.

All of which kind of put the rest of the Prem into the shade. Liverpool had a very comfortable win over former pace setters, now relegation hopefuls, Bolton. This time they seem to have learnt their lesson and they started with Suarez, who gives them an edge even the Manchesters would envy. And while everyone seems convinced they paid over the odds for all their new boys, Henderson, Downing and Adam, the trio seem to be showing up more and more. Downing was, get this, impressive, while both Henderson and Adam scored. Bolton were uninventive in the extreme.

Chelsea might have beaten Narrich, but they were far from imperious. It seems almost like dredging through prehistory to recall that this time last year they were on fire and odds on to win the Prem at a canter. Then they had their weird Ray Wilkins moment and things haven’t been the same. Villas-Boas has his work cut out to give this lot their mojo back. Narrich look like they had better enjoy their time in the Prem, because they aren’t going to be staying for long.

Of the other new boys, QPR were comfortably beaten by Wigan, which doesn’t mean Wigan were particularly good. That ‘Pass it to Tarabt’ tactic that won QPR the Championship just isn’t going to play in the Prem. Swansea just about scraped a draw with Man U Old Boys, who once again were poor. Steve Bruce has only brought in 10 new players and they still look awful. It’s hard to admit, but £24 million to sell Darren Bent seems like a bit of a mistake.

Not that Darren was especially dangerous over the weekend as Villa and Wolves played out a dire nil-nil draw. Villa haven’t replaced Young and Downing in midfield, even if Agbonlahor looks to have found his spirit again. Like a clod-hopping defender crossing the halfway line, Wolves have recognised that two wins on the trot was a bit of a heady brew and have resumed normal service. Blackburn and Everton shared three penalties between them. It says something for the quality of the match that only one was scored.

West Brom might have thought that what with Stoke having to play their Europa League ties over the week, they might be a bit tired and easy meat. Sadly not true, although Stoke were far from their best, they had enough to just beat West Brom. Cue more facial wiping from Uncle Wroy.

Finally, Newcastle seem to be adjusting to life without Carroll, Nolan and Barton better than Carroll or Nolan are to their lives with Liverpool and West Ham. They beat a Zamora-less Fulham rather easily.

Let’s Take A Break

Please. Normally the September International Break is the curse of Arsenal, it disrupts their season and usually results in at least one key player being injured for the entire season (see van Persie and Vermaelen especially). This year it can’t come quickly enough. They’d happily settle for not seeing Djourou again one imagines.

Next stop two Engerland Euro 2012 qualifiers.

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